Humor: First-Year Teacher Quiz Part 2

Sharpen Your #2 Pencils

Are you ready for your first year? Here are a few more questions to make sure.

1. A student says, "Our director last year, Mr. Thimblestop, never did it that way." How should you respond?

1. "Mr. Thimblestop was an idiot."
2. "I am your director now. I am your mama. I am your daddy. I am your whole family tree." (Add a maniacal laugh at the end.)
3. "That's why the band sounded like crud."
4. "There is more than one way to do things. Let's try it this way and see what happens."

Answer: D is best.

2. The football coach makes several disparaging remarks about the band to students in PE class. You should?

1. Play "Looney Tunes" in the stands the next time the football team is getting stomped.
2. Play "Iron Man" at ffffff while your team has the ball.
3. Talk to the coach to clear the air.
4. Ignore the problem.

Answer: Fighting this problem might not be worth the effort. If you choose C, remember to be kind, three losing seasons and this guy may be your principal.

3. Football team members send you a petition asking that the band play more tunes that will fire them up. You should?

1. Send the coach a petition listing plays the band wants the offense to run.
2. Don't play anything in the stands the next game.
3. Go on like always.
4. Play John Tesh and Yanni arrangements at the next football game.

Answer: No use being obnoxious, choose C.

4. The cheerleaders keep requesting that the band play their favorite song (and you are sick of the song). Now what?

1. Gradually speed up your fight song until the cheerleaders are spinning out of control.
2. Begin drum cadences in the middle of their chants.
3. Scream "DO I LOOK LIKE A DJ OR SOMETHING?"
4. Play the stupid song.

Answer: D. Play the stupid song. It will make their day.

5. The band boosters want to use fundraising money to take the band on a trip to the Inner Mongolia Winter Parade. You want instruments. How do you approach this?

1. Go to Inner Mongolia.
2. Compromise on a closer trip (like Outer Mongolia).
3. Point out specific needs of the program and the musical benefit it will be for their kids.
4. Promise a bigger trip when the band has met more of its pressing needs.

Answer: Some combination of B, C, and D would be best. If they are violently adamant, go to Inner Mongolia, they earned the money.

6. The drama teacher has nailed the set for their spring play to the stage floor and your concert is two days before the opening night of the play. What do you do?

1. Run to the principal and whine.
2. Get some low brass players, several hammers and start rippin' nails.
3. Next time you direct the orchestra for the spring musical, push the dynamics up so high that no one can hear the singers.
4. Talk to the drama teacher first. Work out a compromise and be willing to help take down and put up all or portions of a set.
5. Find an alternate site for the concert, and start reserving the stage ten years in advance.

Answer: Early communication may have prevented this, but things happen. Try to work something out before going to the principal. It's bad for a principal to have to mediate for fellow members of the arts (even if those drama folks are a little quirky). D and E are the best choices.

7. A freshman does not show for a Friday night game and the absence is unexcused. What is the best course of action?

1. Have a schedule change slip waiting for him Monday.
2. Hold a parent conference to determine his future status.
3. Toilet paper his yard that night.
4. Chew him out in front of the band on Monday.

Answer: B is generally best. I find that most kids who miss a performance never seem to really ?get it? and cause problems later on. On the other hand, I have had just enough freshmen mature and develop into dependable young people to give the kid a second chance after a parent conference. Make sure your policies are clear to the students and parents before the season starts and have rules that allow for some flexibility.

8. Which of the following phrases would be best avoided?

1. "When I was in band..."
2. "Uh... uh... uh... uh..."
3. "You know... you know..."
4. "Shhhh... blah blah blah..."
5. To a principal: "I assumed that..."
6. All of the above.

Answer: F is the best answer. (Principals will really jump on "I assumed...")

9. Your band students win several awards at a contest. What should you do next?

1. Put their picture in the paper as soon as possible.
2. Put their names in the school announcements.
3. Put their names and/or pictures on the school or local television channel.
4. All of the above

Answer: D. Image is everything.

10. A kid says, "Everybody is quitting next year." What should you say?

1. "So am I! So there!"
2. "Those who want to have a great band and be a part of something big will stay. If anyone quits, it will be their loss."
3. "I hope you are, loser."
4. "Who made you spokesperson for the people?"

Answer: B is the most diplomatic.

11. A beginner says he cannot come to the concert because he is playing in a little league baseball game. His dad is the coach. What do you do?

1. Kick the rascal out.
2. Give him an "F" for his concert grade, but let him stay in.
3. Excuse the absence and have him write a make-up report.
4. Move the concert date.

Answer: Clearing the date far ahead of time will alleviate most scheduling problems. Some, however, are unavoidable. Check with principal before making a decision. There is no easy answer on this one. Fail the kid and he may quit. Excuse him and you have to excuse everyone else's reasons also. C is probably in the best interest of the kid, he didn't schedule the game or the concert.

12. At the first parent/teacher conference a parent asks how his child is doing. The kid has absolutely no ability, but he loves band. What do you say?

1. "Wonderful. He's such a nice kid."
2. "He has a problem with rhythm, pitches, tonguing, and tone, but other than that he is doing fine."
3. "He's having some major problems right now, but we will continue to work with him to bring out his full potential. If he does not make much progress over the next couple of months, I will call you to decide the best course of action."
4. "Has he ever tried choir?"

Answer: Something like C is best. Frankness is very important, particularly if the parents are making monthly payments on a new instrument. Work hard to find some role for that kid in your band.

13. A student points out in front of the class that your zipper is down. What do you do?

1. Ignore him and move on.
2. Look down and check.
3. Run to the teachers' lounge.
4. Turn around and dramatically pull it up.

Answer: I like answer D. There's nothing like a little humor to defuse an embarrassing situation, might as well make it memorable while you're at it.

14. The principal asks you to play Elvis in the school lip-sync contest. What do you say?

1. "Thank you, thank you very much, but no."
2. "I have a death in the family that day."
3. "I don't look good in sideburns."
4. "That would be fun. I've always thought of myself as a hunka-hunka burnin' love."

Answer: D is the best answer. Your kids would enjoy seeing you loosen up a little.

Trey Reely is the band director at Paragould High School in Arkansas. His books, Move Over Mr. Holland and Mr. Holland Strikes Back, can be purchased at www.sculptnet.com/reely.